songs fill the air but there's no singer there. just an old wooden guitar playin'

sometimes when life is tuff, i play a little game called "name 3 (or 5 or 10) things you're looking forward to."  it can be something happening in an hour or in 3 months - just thinking about good times usually can at least temporarily lift that gray cloud sittin' right thurrr on your shoulder.

so, here goes. i went with 5:

vampire weekend & beach house at the boa pavilion.  which i have said (and written) a billion times is my favorite venue.

newport this weekend for 2 days on the beach (as long as hurricane earl doesn't come out fighting) with my sweet friends

the arrival of my new apartment shhhtuff: shower curtain, bath mat, nightstand and a little something i bought on etsy called fairy garland.  don't judge.

catching up on the entire 3rd season of true blood.  since i recently acquired hbo (3 days ago!) i am so looking forward to a rainy day of watching a naked alexander skaarsgaard.

the start of bowling season. sunday nights.  all my friends.  at kings.  what's better than getting to see your favorite people every week while bowling.

bonus #6! pumkin beers! (see also: pumpkin lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin shakes, and pumpkin carving. bring it on fall.)

what are you looking forward to?

back to bizness.

it's been so long since i've written - i was really busy having the best summer of my whole stinkin' life!  lots of trips, lots of love, lots of adventuring. but i'm back to reality now.  which is great and not so great.  i already miss the laid back nature of life which inevitably comes with summer.  but i so look forward to hoodie, jacket and scarf weather.  i've just moved into the coziest new apartment and can imagine lots of great nights there with friends and movies and drinks. photos will soon follow.  i miss my sweet love who moved to los angeles for grad school at calarts but i look forward to flying to california and swimming in his pool and feeling the intense happiness of getting to be right by his side again.  i think life can go lots of different ways for me right now. i feel unsettled and anxious a lot.  i've never been good at not knowing what's going to happen next or uncertain futures.  but sometimes you just have to accept the not-knowing, have faith and hope, and enjoy where you are and who is helping you through it all.

on a lighter and totally off-topic note... did anyone watch the emmy's last night?  i didn't but of course looked at the dresses this mornig.  i have a hands down, no contest favorite:

keri russell! vintage scherrer dress she supposedly bought at decades years ago.  she looks amazeballs.  i love it.  i also loved january jones in versace.  she's definitely going to get slaughtered in the press but i think it's cool and interesting and she looks pretty!

all that you measure.

the weekend is here! in just a teeny tiny little bit i'll be off to the beach for a big ol beach party with lobsters, corn on the cob, volleyball and my contribution: s'mores!!! i'm most excited to swim all afternoon then dry out on the rocks, sipping delicious drinks. 

then tomorrow we head to wells beach/ogunquit, maine! more swimming, cooking out and relaxing.  i'm gonna soak it all up because everything's about to change.  but i really believe change is good. i can say truthfully that i'm really looking forward to all that the future holds.

i don't belong here

i want you to notice when i'm not around. 
i wish i was special. 
you're so fucking special.

lazy days calling to you

the summer is a good time to get yer butt out of the city.  i love swimming. i love hammock snuggling and canoe-riding.  i love cookouts and cornhole, i love not wearing jackets and sitting outside under the stars and moon with your best friends.  

since i live right smack in the middle of the city, with no car, sometimes i have to improvise with my nature retreats.  which can mean putting my toes in the fountain in the park or just riding around with the windows down, drinking strawberry lemonade.  

on a recent saturday, my lovely friend megan and her boyfriend nick were in town from manhattan.  they stayed at the colonade hotel in the back bay. i was lucky enough to be their guest at the hotel pool for the day.  i met them around noon and was treated to the most fabulous day.  lounge chairs, pina coladas, the most perfect breeze, and a big ol' pool made me feel like i was a million miles away from city life. 

if you ever get the chance, head over and stop being a maniac for 2 seconds.

robbie williams for your lazy day.

the fault lines and the soil.

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming, so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open. Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.

So I dressed myself and left them, out into the gray streets. But everything seemed different and completely new to me. The sky, the trees,houses, buildings, even my own body. And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.

And I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said "there is nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help." So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. In fact, I'm sure. Thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile."

So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself, it's best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope. And that's why I'm singing, "Baby, don't worry, cause now I got you back. And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass, and I will keep you company through those days so long and black. And we'll just keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve, of Love's uneven remainder, our lives are fractions of a whole."

But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall. Then I think we would see the beauty then. We would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

worthless dreams

"i have nothing to say of my working life, only that a tie is a noose, and inverted though it is, it will hang a man nonetheless if he is not careful."

"if we, citizens, do not support our artists, then we sacrifice our imagination on the alter of crude reality and we end up believing in nothing and having worthless dreams."

i've only just started reading life of pi by yann martel but already these lines stuck out to me.  at first glance they may not seem like related thoughts, but to me they fit together. 

i have no idea if my friends, my peers, or anyone in the world can relate to this... but being in my late 20's has brought me to a place i don't like.  i feel very much in between dreams and reality.  i've been "on my own" as far as supporting myself for 6 years now.  i see that having a job and a paycheck is necessary, that sometimes we have to do things or take jobs that aren't what we'd imagined for ourselves when we were spouting off our little kid dreams. 

but i've also watched people close to me achieve and surpass their dreams, i've watched them decide to change their course and follow what's in their hearts, leaving everyone behind.  sometimes i wonder if i have the strength to take the noose off and follow my bliss.  i'm scared and i wish there was someone in the world who won't tell me everything's going to be ok or that i can do anything i put my mind too... i wish there was someone who would just say "i'm scared too."